Category Archives: Things That Must Go

January is a horrendous month of muck. That's why it's nice to find enjoyment via sarcasm and healthy doses of annoyance.

1. truck balls?

You know.....I mean.....no. it's not worth it. don't even get me started.

2. adam lambert

wtf?

bonnie tyler called. she wants you to star in the next total eclipse of the heart: literal edition video.

3. being poor

i'm sick of it. i want to buy things. i want to be a materialistic consumer. sue me.

i love you, dave ramsey, but right now I don't like you because yeah, i have no job, but yeah, i want to buy a butt load of vintage clothes that aint cheap. crap.

let's just throw frugal living in general in this category. i KNOW i need to save money and i KNOW i need to eat healthy  and be wise and be miserable and wear sackcloth and ashes so i can inherit the glories of heaven, but wow, sometimes I just want to throw caution to the wind and buy a lot of crap. and stay up late. and eat cookies. and travel america in a van. and not use capitalization on proper nouns.

hhh....this is all just because I want to buy an expensive headband that I can't make. Laura? want to help me figure out how to rip it off? you know you do.

4. math

dude. math is the bane of my existence. i don't want to go anywhere near a calculator. i don't even want simple addition or subtraction. and hey, mrs. hall--you lied to me. i never once used geometry, and i hate you more now than i did as an angsty teenager with bad hair and a Rivers Cuomo obsession.

let's just  leave math to this guy:

i want to put him in my pocket to compute complex equations for me on the fly. consider this a formal invitation, sir hawking.

5. Broadway

quit making movies into musicals (legally blonde...cough cough) and quit ruining ABBA (mamma mia...cough cough) and quit making your way onto TV (glee...cough cough).

basically, just quit trying to make me like you because I never will. musicals are an abortion to music. not even exaggerating.

if we have to put money into such things then why not dump it into REAL art like symphonies and operas. i'd even prefer we spend money on karl malone's biceps than broadway. sick.

and this week's WIN! is brought to you by the one and only fail blog:

good night nurse!

have a good weekend.

Friday is a special day. It's the day I prepare for sloth on Saturday. And things that must go.

1. insurance companies

This week I had the privilege of requesting five years of doctor's records from 8 billion doctor's offices just so my potential insurance company could deny me because 5 years ago I decided to go rogue and not eat. Apparently anorexia is frowned upon by insurance agencies. crap.

What they failed to note was that I haven't seen a doctor for it since 2006, proving, in my book anyway, that it's not exactly something to raise my rates over.

The good news is they'll probably deny me coverage because America's healthcare system is seriously awesome. Like, I really hope Obama goes to hell for trying to improve something that is absolutely rockin' awesome and SO fun to deal with. I mean, who doesn't love fighting with insurance companies?

PS--there IS a problem, America, and you're against it because you've never had to deal with hospitals, rehab centers, and mental health professionals. Admit to your alcoholism, land yourself in rehab, and THEN come talk to me about how healthcare reform is unnecessary. And in the meantime, have fun paying for it out of pocket. woot!

2. Kelly Ripa

We KNOW you have great arms and that you're invisible whilst standing sideways, but for crying out loud just put a shirt with sleeves on. Just one. It's January, Kelly. Sleeves are acceptable and fashion forward. PS--your face is all the same color. It's like a mish mash of nasty tanning cream. Gross.

3. cheerleading

what parent in their right mind would think this was a good idea? bulimia waiting to happen.plus, everyone knows tennis players are the hottest. jenny andrus hollaaaa 1st doubles wjhs yeah boiiiii.

also, let's go one step further and throw cheearleading moms in the mix. Just because you cheered in high school and just because you still have big blonde hair and just because you can't get a real job doesn't mean coaching cheer is a good idea. No, living vicariously through your daughter will not help you feel better about your failures in high school. the glory days are over. embrace it.

4. frost on the inside of connie's windows

every morning. without fail. I scrape the INSIDE of connie's windows. are you kidding me, connie? epic, epic winter fail. good thing you so sexay wanna have yo' babay.

5. people that don't like 30 Rock

This show is the best thing that ever happened to television. The Office can suck it as far as I'm concerned. Tina Fey, god bless you. Tracy Jordan, I'm still waiting for that meat machine.

And this week's WIN! is brought to you by the manket:

because sometimes a snuggie just isn't enough.

Huzzah. The blog is redesigned. Please, save your thankful applause until the end.

Forgive my writerly absence. I was too sickened by the past design to think about posting. But now that I'm back, get ready to live. It's hammer time but not so much in the mc hammer sense as in the woah, this blog is off the chain sense.

which brings me to a muchly belated things that must go.

1. The phrase "off the chain"

Wait, really? You're still saying this? Your 1998 yearbook called and wants its phrase back.

2. Mormon Mommy Crafter Businesses

Get a job like the rest of us. Your cheap scrapbook paper crafts are getting you nowhere. Give your husband a deserved break and get a real job because face it: the last thing this world needs is more baby bows and squeaky shoes.

3. Utah Snow Plows

Wait...these can't go because they don't exist. How silly of me.

4. People that don't like the Beatles

There is a special place for you and your ignorant soul in hell. Enjoy it.

5. People that drive their trucks into my place of employment

Don't get me wrong. I like two week breaks, but I could have done without the looming unemployment.

Video Courtesy of KSL.com

I hope you enjoy your mangled Mac Pro that you are too ignorant to use.

Hopefully this year will bring a new blog featuring more than just things that must go. I do miss writing. Dreadfully so. Let's hope that 2k10 will help me rediscover the writing spark of my youth. We'll see.

Happy new years, kids.

PS--dear mitch: this is a hint. a cat for 2010 would be greatly appreciated. you know you want one, too. don't you lie to me.