Well wouldn't you know it. It's FINALLY Friday. Even though it was only a 4-day work week, it felt like a bajillion-day work week thanks to a nasty cold, and this weekend could not possibly be more welcome.

On that note, let's get pleasantly cranky and make a little ttmg fun.

1. long book chapters

Why you gotta make your chapters 100 pages long? Some people read books on lunch break and need a reasonable stopping point, know what I'm sayin? I know your book is important and all, but c'mon. A little stopping point here and there doesn't negate your intelligence. I promise.

2. people who don't pay attention to green arrows

So here's how it is. When you're the first one in line at the left turn green arrow, you have a moral responsibility to everyone behind you to pay attention to that light. A very serious moral responsibility. And this serious moral responsibility should never be taken lightly. Your text/phone call is not as important as my need to get through this green arrow in a timely fashion. Seriously. A HUGE moral responsibility.

3. illegible captchas

I know you're trying to keep the robots from taking over the world with spam, but woah. I think only robots can read illegible captchas, so you're kind of missing the point on that one.

See what I'm talking about?

That's all I have for today, so let's hear what grind your gears. Please? With only 3 ttmg from me today readers everywhere are crying for more ttmg so please, please, PLEASE comment and gimme yours. Stalkers, lurkers, and lovers alike.

And this week's WIN! is in honor of awful drivers that don't pay attention at green lights.

and also this guy who is REALLY excited about being a republican treasurer. Love you, republicans.

Happy weekend!

When God created long weekends, I like to think he made them just for me. That being said, it's a TTMG Friday.

1. Heat

Omg. I'm so over summer. I was over summer the second it reached 85 degrees. And when i started wanting to kill everyone the second i walked outside. No thanks, mother earth. But yes to sweaty Fabio and tigers in the summer.

2. Ringback tones

Or whatever they're called. I remember when I had Verizon back in the day they called them that. But seriously. Ok miss 2003. We know you love Taylor swift, but I sure don't whenever I call you.

3. Public bathroom soap

Did I just wash my hands with sandpaper? Crappy-baby-powder-meets-acid-smelling sand paper? I think I did. But if it came out of a nose, then I might be ok with it. Just sayin.

4. Bees

Bees are mean. And summer just encourages them. I know they make honey and pollenate and all that science crap, but I'm over honey. And science. And bees.

5. Safari Mercedes/Landrovers

I know there are a lot of zebra and lions running amuck in the dry sahara of the Utah plains, but could yo keep your safari edition SUV in the jungle and not in the asphalt of the gym parking lot and Utah suburbs? Because you look like an idiot.

And this week brings a couple of WINS! brought to you in part by Riley Onyon in celebration of the beautiful long weekend that lies ahead:

I once got some nunchucks for Christmas. It was the best Christmas of my life.

monorail llama. or is it? sea lion/llama/manatee?

Does this mean I can give up the stupid gym for good? Yes!

and this last video is dedicated to Mitchell who braves the public bus system each and every day.

better news, though, is that it's a ttmg friday. thanks to those champs who commented and left me their ttmg items. this one's lovingly dedicated to you. so special right now.

1. public workout regimens (a la laura. and me.)

alright. we've gone over this one before, but laura is right. it deserves repeating because good grief...nobody cares. i'm glad that you find facebook a suitable venue for you personal ego boost. and it's great that you feel great after your trainer worked your ass at the gym. and hey, it's even great that you're rich and can afford the trainer and love to tell us about it. you know what else is great? that you work out in sports bras and THEN tell us about how awesome it was. you really are special but let's keep the specialness to yourself.

meanwhile, i'm going to go eat a sugar cookie, sit on my couch, and watch mad men. take that. thanks, laura.

2. overzealous cyclists (via randi and jenny)

hey, it's cool that you're going green and staying fit and loving the earth and your body and life, but, could you do that all in the special bike lane? instead of my lane? i know you're super cool in your sponsored spandex spectacular uniform, and i know you paid with your firstborn child for that super awesome road bike, but hey...i've got two tons of steel versus you, so...let's be responsible. also, if you're going to share the road, then that probably means you have to obey the same rules i do. so quit weaving and running read lights and being sneaky. because you can't sneak past me.

however, all of the above is retracted if you're this guy. then you can gladly have my lane.

a small disclaimer is due here. should any of my lovely cyclist loving coworkers read this, please note that this is not directed at you. i know you are responsible cyclists and follow rules and love life.

3. hummers

you are so cool. i know. and i know you need your ego stroked. but i have some bad news. you look like an idiot cruisin through the streets of utah as a white man. just sayin.

also, this picture has nothing to do with hummers per say, BUT....it kind of goes along with it. and i love it because it's pretty spot on. i bet he drives a hummer.

4. jaywalkers (a la mitchell morby)

the streets of downtown utah are rough. it's pretty much the school of hard knocks out here. so much crime. so much poverty. who can be bothered with using crosswalks?

seriously, though. c'mon. you're like savages out here. let's be civilized, classy people. it's not that hard. and this is such a tiny city. pretty sure you can walk 2 feet farther and use the crosswalk.

and if you have to jaywalk, at least do it when there's no cars around. and at least walk a little bit faster. and at least don't drag your stroller and three other small children into the street with you and then stand on the median looking like idiots. i mean, i love slowing down for you in the middle of the road and getting rear ended, but, there must be a better way.

and this week's WIN! is brought to you by this sassy family who want to wish you a happy and safe weekend.

also, just because i love vans so much these days...you should always respect the van.

i bet the westy could do that. easily.

as always, please, please, please submit your ttmg to me. it makes it oh so much more fun for all involved.

thanks for reading, and sean connery says, have a happy friday!

however, from here on out i might stick to 3 or 4 things that must go. 5 a week left me feeling a little weary, so i propose this, my blog friends. how's about i give you 3-4 TTMGs, and you guys help me out by leaving your week's TTMG in the comments? that way our lists will grow and grow, and we'll start one big, happy, cynical family of pet peeves. it'll be fun! let's try it out.

1. people that have a hard time understanding freeway entrances

well, let's see. we're entering a freeway. cars already on the freeway are traveling at speeds close to 75-90mph. approximately. so, my best guess--and i could be completely wrong here--is that it probably isn't a good idea to enter said freeway going 45 mph. i mean, they give us that entrance for a reason. and i don't know about you, but i'd like to think the reason is to accelerate. call me crazy.

2. phone responses to email questions

i'm willing to bet that if someone emails you a question, they're probably looking for an emailed response. there's a reason we have email, you know. it's to avoid the phone at all costs. so unless my email says to call me with a response, then let's keep our correspondence to the interwebz with plenty of space and personal comfort zones. i likes it that way.

3. the fashion phenomenon known as rompers

these are a perpetual wtf for me. if you're skinny and reasonably fashion forward, then by all means. but the thing is, i never see these on skinny and reasonably fashion forward people. i usually see them on larger americans that are just doin' it wrong. these have got to go.

in fact, let's just throw summer fashion in general into this category. gimme those fall sweaters, beanies, and scarves!

4. the ubiquitous subway stank

dude. you know what i'm talkin' about. subway needs to something about that rank smell FAST. i mean, hats off for generating a consistent smell across your billions of franchises, but woah. let's find a new bread recipe or get rid of the one of the veggies or something because i can't handle smelling like that after being in your store for 3 minutes.

And there you have it. So let's hear your things that must go. Everyone that gives me their personal thing that must go will receive 110% of my genuine respect and a spot on next week's TTMG. so worth it.

And this week's WIN! brought to you by a large american that had a simple request of chicken mcnuggets at 6:30 am. and they just wouldn't give it to her.

and another WIN! for all you beliebers out there...

happy friday, everyone! as always, thanks for reading, and i hope you've got something fabulous planned for the weekend. we're heading up for a weekend westy trip. huzzah!

see you on monday for a new segment i'm starting called monday crushes. it's gonna be a fun one. i swear!

so, to cheer me up and make me feel better about eating nasty ricola throat lozenges, we'll have a nice TTMG friday.

1. frosted tips

it's amazing how often i still see these.

of course, if you're a young father-to-be, you might be able to pull this look off:

she's a lucky lady!

2. thug hats with stickers

is lil' john still cool? last time i checked most white guys weren't lil john, so i'm not sure what this is about. the thing is, this is a really old trend, but it's still so prevalent 'round these parts.

i'd prolly support the stickers on the hat trend if they were all patriotic like the above hat. that's just being a good american.

3. politicians writing books

case in point:

since when were politicians celebs? and since when did being a politician/celeb make you qualified to write a book? what makes you think you're important enough to write a book about your life? and, since when was it ok to write an autobiography? that just seems completely self-absorbed to me. maybe if someone else wants to write a book about you but...writing a book about yourself? whatever man.

4. inspirational quotes

i'm sick of these. stop posting them on facebook. stop putting them in vinyl on your walls. just stop.

unless it's quotes like this...

also, when i searched for jack handy, i found this:

crazy.

5. ke$ha

submitted by mz. jenny andrus, i couldn't agree more.

oddly enough, i couldn't find a picture of her not making this face.

i just....i'd really like to know whose brilliant idea it was to put a $ sign in her name. are you kidding me? is she a rapper? no. does she have gold grills? no. is she running around in lil' john's krunk club? no. by the transitive property, she's not allowed to put $ signs in her name.

6. people not putting shopping carts away

submitted by callie morby and a subject near and dear to my heart.  are you kidding me? the little cart corral is literally two steps away from your car. propping it on the curb is not ok. and just putting it between spaces is definitely not ok. just because the cart isn't rolling away now doesn't mean it won't two seconds from now when you pull away and your car isn't there to hold it in place anymore.

maybe if you're too lazy to put your cart away you shouldn't have the right to use a cart. maybe this is a better solution for you:

or maybe you could just use your cart as your car and solve the problem completely:

and since i so terribly neglected my blogging duties for an entire week, we'll have a feast of weekly WINS! to help make my strep go away faster.

first of all, this website, submitted my mz. marci monson is incredible. please check it out and support your local prom dress dealer.

i love this for so many reasons.

where is this family and how can i join?

of course, it wouldn't be a TTMG without a proper artistic prego pic:

and lastly,

what premium friends he must have!

well that's all for this week. have a good weekend everyone, and don't get sick! use your germ-x and steer clear from me.

have a good one.

the good news is that come rain, snow, or shine, it's a things that must go friday.

1. affliction clothing

i like a little affliction paired with a little ed hardy. i also love to listen to bush and staind while watching UFC and taking steroids.

i'm mostly just glad that they made a special edition korn tee. i know i can't get enough of trashy 1999 dread-be-locked angst rock.

2. people that leave the "sent from my iphone" signature on their phone

oh ok. you sent this from your iphone. that means you're really busy and important. AND you have an iphone. that's high-rolling, my friend. thanks for finding time in your busy, on-the-go schedule to shoot me a quick email from your car "sent from your iphone."

ps. you can take that signature off. it's under settings. just sayin'.

pps. quit emailing me from your car. you're going to kill us all.

and along similar lines...

3. bluetooth headsets

oh, i get it. you're really important and get a lot of calls, so you need a phone in your eat at all times. i know it makes you feel cool and totally robo cop, but in reality...the glory of bluetooth is long gone.  so if you're wearing it to look cool, you're sorely mistaken.

wired magazine named it the ear mullet. they also said it was the highest form of douchebaggery.

i concur.

unless you're this guy...

the bluetooth headset must go.

4. people that don't use paragraphs

i love reading blogs that don't use paragraphs. i really like reading large blocks of text. i mean, it's really convenient. my eyes like never-ending text. it makes them feel really good. especially when the text is about baby's first rollover or how much they love to watch twilight while baby is napping. paragraphs are really lame, so i can see why people would want to read really long stories that never have a break in thought. i don't like breaks in thought. i like run on paragraphs. in fact, i really like run on sentences, too. heck, let's misuse commas while we're at it. why the hell not. grammar has no place in the blogosphere. who needs it when i'm just blogging about my cute and sickeningly happy newlywed life? i know i don't. in fact, i'm not sure how i graduated high school. but it's ok. the important thing is that i did, and i'm writing a blog to tell the world about just how terrible i writer i am. i hate paragraphs.....i love reading blogs that don't use paragraphs. i really like reading large blocks of text. i mean, it's really convenient. my eyes like never-ending text. it makes them feel really good. especially when the text is about baby's first rollover or how much they love to watch twilight while baby is napping. paragraphs are really lame, so i can see why people would want to read really long stories that never have a break in thought. i don't like breaks in thought. i like run on paragraphs. in fact, i really like run on sentences, too. heck, let's misuse commas while we're at it. why the hell not. grammar has no place in the blogosphere. who needs it when i'm just blogging about my cute and sickeningly happy newlywed life? i know i don't. in fact, i'm not sure how i graduated high school. but it's ok. the important thing is that i did, and i'm writing a blog to tell the world about just how terrible i writer i am. i hate paragraphs.

hint: it's the return button. to the right of your right hand. it just takes one little click.

ps. even better--i love entire blog posts that are not only one paragraph, but all in italics. italics are so fun. it makes my blog look cute. nevermind that it's not very readable. it's cute. and when it comes to my blog, that's all that counts. cute. italics. yeah.

5. people who still use "rad" in all seriousness

i'm not sure what possesses people to still say, "that's so rad" without joking. i mean...i'm pretty sure people my age completely missed the time rad was cool anyway, so wtf? what made you think it was cool to say? did you actually want to sound like a 1995 surfer from "socal" that "loves" punk music and black and white checkered vans? because, if that was the case, you don't sound like one. you're from utah. there are no beaches here. just sayin.

you could prolly say rad for reals if you were this guy, though:

and now for your weekly WIN! pleasure...

bummer. i hate shots, too.

you know what i love that he has, though? chums.

chums like these...

are always a WIN!

so are french braids for that matter.

and lastly, this is why you shouldn't drive a t-r-u-k.

happy weekend.

that being said, it's a things that must go friday.

1. subaru outbacks covered in bumper stickers. usually environmental/political.

what is it with subaru outbacks and bumper stickers? why are they always driven by a.) lesbians or b.) crazy biology professors with wild white hair and panama hats? and why is it that every outback i see is plastered in environmental and/or political bumper stickers? i've yet to see a subaru NOT plastered in stickers.

it's amazing to me. i've never seen a stereotype more accurate than the outback. just sayin'.

2. overalls

this cat hates his life.

so will you if you wear these:

don't bring these back. i don't care if they're couture. leave them to train conductors and polygs. kthx.

3. march madness

omg. don't kill me and stop reading my blog. it's just...i kinda hate march madness. i guess the office pools are fun, but i'm not in an office, so all they hype everywhere i go is obnoxious. i mean seriously. how many meatheads can i watch go crazy over a stupid college basketball game before i punch them AND myself in the face? not many. i'll tell you that much.

i blame this on the fact that the doctor that delivered me was watching march madness WHILE pulling me out of the birth canal.  (of course, i don't remember, but pamela tells me this is true. i tell her she should have gotten a discount on that delivery bill.) so, i was born to hate it.

don't hate me.

4. subway $5 footlong song

omg. subway, i love you, and i love your any footlong for $5 deal, but for the love of all things holy, make the song STOP.

you're going to drive jared to do this:

you don't want the demise of an all-american icon on your hands, do you?

and just so you can have it in your head all day like i do every day of my life...here it is.

5. old, leathery women that are still on tv despite all odds

e.g.:

and

and this one perhaps isn't as leathery, but why, why, why or more importantly, how, how, how does she still make it on tv?

all i can say is someone is sleeping with someone to make it on television at this point. just sayin'.

6. snow in march

whatever. i know i live in utah and this happens. but are you kidding me? it was 62 on wednesday, and now it's snowing. why do i still live here? someone seriously please tell me why i haven't moved yet. klasdjfklsajgkls;hg;alskfj. no, i will not get used to it. yes, i will pout about it.

and this week deserves a couple of solid WINS! in celebration of finally getting a solid interview.

this first one was submitted by mz. jena schmidt. it made me laugh, cry, and smile all while strangely wanting to listen to whitney houston:

you can't watch that and not love life.

secondly, this absolute GEM came to my attention via my sis-in-law, Callie. this is absolute gold, kids. someone with a lot of time on their hands did us a favor and put this amazing old video to a new rap song. it's so perfect it hurts. callie, i genuinely can't thank you enough for this:

Walk it out fosse

and lastly,

happy friday, everyone. thanks for reading. and as always, if you have things that must go, by all means let me know. i'd love to hear your pet peeves and rants.

you know what that means? it's time for a things that must go.

1. people that bring toddlers to movie theaters

this picture has nothing to do with toddlers in movie theaters, but it came up when i google imaged "toddler in movie theater." you can't tell me that's a real baby's body.

it's one thing to take a toddler to a toddler movie. but i can't help but wonder what went through that parent's mind that is sitting next to me at the 10:30 showing of terminator salvation. i hope when you have to crawl past all of us at the peak of c. bale's robotic uprising glory for the 50th time that night to help your child pee or stop crying--i hope that you have at least a small pang of regret.

you prolly won't, though. i'll prolly see you and your toddler at the midnight showing of the new twilight movie.

pa ha. funny joke.

2. crocs

ok. they had their time and their place. we know you love comfort, but unfortunately, if you're not a doctor or a cook at a rest home, then croc time is over.

mitch and i have yet to see a clean pair.

also...

george w. rocking my personal favorite style: crocs n' socs. need i say more?

and along the same lines, sir gerard, we best not forget to throw UGG boots with shorts into this category as well. it's 80 degrees outside, but you need boots. you're right. that does make sense.

3. thumb rings

pinkie rings? yes. thumb rings? only if you love west jordan high school circa 2001. and hot topic.

4. puka shell necklaces

delta sigma phi 4 life, bro!

5. superman/transformer decals on trucks

he's compensating for something. guess what? i wish someone would explain the transformer one to me, though. is your rice rocket going to transform into optimus prime? should i change lanes? or do you just love shia le bouf?

connie is the one exception. she looks ready for her knife fight in the parking lot of the WJ del taco.

do you like my new spoiler?

now let's kick off this bday weekend right with some weekly WINS!

my thoughts exactly.

and what would a TTMG be without some awesome amateur photography?

it's ok! she's got a bra on that ruins the artistic effect. looks like you all know what kind of christmas card you'll be receiving from us in about 5 years. suckas!

this next one was irresistible because, well, mitch's hair is just about there.

and lastly, one of my fav youtube fall videos ever...

second only to this one:

happy weekend!

that being said, it's a things that must go friday.

1. dr. martens

just because you spent $90 on them in 1995 doesn't mean you have to keep wearing them. and just because they don't look "worn out" doesn't mean they ever will--5" soles of rubber tend to not wear out--but that still doesn't mean you have to keep wearing them. oh, and just because they were your mission shoes and you tracted 18 bajillion doors wearing them and you see them as this massive mormon status symbol, that definitely doesn't mean you should keep wearing them. sure, keep them as a little keepsake, but for crying out loud--stop wearing dr. martens.

unless you want to look like a 35-year-old mormon daddy that served a mission in mexico and now has a job as an engineer, still loves collective soul, has 4 kids, and an overly happy wife. then i guess you could pull them off. just sayin'.

2. velour track suits

similar story. just because you spent $150 on one at victorias secret 5 years ago, doesn't mean you have to keep wearing it. and just because you have one in every color...

doesn't mean you should keep wearing them. even if your bum is juicy, don't tell us so via velour tracksuit. let's leave these to porn producers and women with actual booties, i.e., j-lo, beyonce, and amy morby.

3. advertising with your children

i don't care if your kid is cute-and most likely if you're using them to advertise, they're NOT cute-but either way, i'm not buying it. to me, this doesn't say, hey, he's a  "dependable" and maybe "reliable" and even "family friendly" plumber. rather, this says to me, "i'm comfortable exploiting my children to sell my crappy plumbing business."

4. days we've been married counters

are you kidding me? who cares how long you've been married? oooh you've been married for 1 year, 14 weeks, 2 days, and 18 hours. pin a rose on your nose.

kill me.

5. ridiculous gas station convenience store names

why does every gas station convenience store have to have a name? rainbo mart. fast stop. on the run. and my personal fav, kum n' go.

is this absolutely necessary? i vote no.

since it's snowing outside and we could all use a little humor to get through it, here are a couple of WINS! for your TTMG viewing pleasure.

it's a group shot of dogs in wheelchairs. it's funny.

here's amateur photography at its finest. i put this in here because i believe awesome amateur photography has made the TTMG list before. here's a great example.

i would like to personally meet and thank whoever did this to this vending machine. a little Ice-T? yes please.

and lastly, a classic prank gone horribly awry.

have a good weekend, suckas!

i'm still waiting.

which really grinds my gears, peter griffin.

here's another list of things that grind my gears.

1. old ladies that wear tank tops

this is a phenomenon that was first introduced to me at usu. i had a professor. she loved tank tops. she loved tank tops in the winter. she loved tank tops in the spring. she loved them always.

it wasn't like she had a nasty body. in fact, she had better arms than most of us, but she was over 35. 35 isn't old, but for the love of all things sartorial, wear some sleeves. (cough...kelly rippa...cough.) and i find it's mostly business women that like to rock this style. and it usually involves a turtleneck. wtf? a tank top turtleneck? it's just unprofessional or weird or i don't know what--it's just...old lady arms. cover them up. especially in professional settings.

i can't find a good picture of a business woman tank top, but here's kind of what i'm talking about. it's just wrong.

***update! i found a picture!***

that is EXACTLY what i am talking about here, kids. there's no way you don't agree with me. no way.

2. jillian michaels

she might be a man. in fact, 90% of my spidey senses confirm this is true.

it was bad enough having her on biggest loser, but now she's on infomercials all day long invading my couch time with her husky man voice demands to lose weight now with her new cleanse or nordic track treadmill!

i don't trust trannies, jillian.

3. public service announcements

does anyone really watch these? or more importantly, does anyone actually watch these and feel moved to action?

my personal favorite is the national guard previews that have taken over dollar theater previews.

or the old school "the more you know" PSA's.

but actually, nothing is better than "family: isn't it about.....time?"

4. lol

your 1995 aol chat room called. it wants its phrase back.

5. lobsterfest at red lobster

i feel like it's always lobsterfest at red lobster. and i feel like these commercials telling me that it's "that time of year again" are deceiving. when does lobsterfest end or begin? it doesn't! i smell a conspiracy.

ps, who even goes to red lobster? weirdos.

of course, what would a things that must go post be without a weekly WIN! brought to you by awkward family photos?

absolutely stunning.

and just because i'm so sick of this week of my utter discontent, here's another one of my all-time favorite WINS!. i've posted this before, but that was when me and maybe mitch read my blog, so here it is again. (marci, i will always love you for bringing this to my attention.)

if you never watch videos that i post, at least watch this one. it will get your weekend started right...and that feels great! ooooh!!!

see you monday.