Fuji X-Pro 1

oh dear

I can never seem to get a handle back on this blogging thang. Raise your hand if you’re going through an existential crisis! Because I’m right there with you, which is why I so sporadically visit this old spot. So I’m sorry for continually confusing you in your reader when I randomly pop up once every three weeks. But I love you for having me in there in the first place, if that helps at all.

So you’re having an existential crisis.

You’re 26. Just got back from a wildly intoxicating trip in New York City to see a dear, dear friend, and you can’t handle the post-trip blues.

You’re 26 and living in a city you dislike. With a certain genre of people that remind you of a past you’d rather escape. And you have demons that this city and these people bring up on the daily. You also dislike your current employment opportunities but simultaneously possess a crippling fear of both breaking out of comfort zones and having financial insecurity.

Do you…

a.) Dig a hole in said begrudged city and crawl into it, refusing to come out until 2020 when Tina Fey is president and virtual reality worlds exist

b.) Continue grinding the day to day until you have no soul, but it’s totally ok because you have enough money for the mortgage and a pair of Hunter boots


c.) Throw caution to the wind and make some sort of life-altering change that may jeopardize any iota of security you currently have in the hopes that something worthwhile might actually come of it

My bets are on a and b, though my minuscule but vocal wild side screams c! C, Amy, C!

The problem is that C means a leap of faith. It means not knowing about money matters. And it means new and scary things, which we all fear. If you say you don’t, you’re totally lying and you know it. It’s ok. I lie about it, too.

C also means taking a chance on myself, which is one thing I rarely do. I am one of those weirdos that derives a morbid pleasure and satisfaction from denying myself the things I really want. This is mostly because I feel like I don’t deserve them but also because I’m afraid that anything good was an accident and is certain to end as soon as it began.

Amy is…

a.) a pessimist

b.) a realist

c.) a girl with low self-esteem writing weird things on the internet

The trick answer is d: all of the above. Don’t worry if you missed it.

So, at what point do you just say fuck it all! and make the leap? Is there ever any point in that leap where you feel like you’re doing the right thing? Or is it always scary? Is security all it’s cracked up to be? Does money really matter? And what happens with the emotional/financial fall out of chasing a failed dream?

This is the essay portion of the test. 20 bonus points if you work a War Games reference into your answer.

  • Lauren Belen

    Do it! Go for it, seriously!
    Last year my husband quit his well-paying job and went back to school for graphic design so that he would have something on his resume since he was self taught. I had a very low-paying job, so we lived in a hole and struggled for that year, but now he has started his own business and couldn’t be happier! It was frightening, terrifying, and everything in between. We totally took a leap of faith. We went for something crazy not knowing if it would pay off, but even if it hadn’t (it still hasn’t fully), I would choose it 110 times over. I would take a poor husband over a miserable one every day of the week. I’m sure your hubby feels the same about his wife.

  • Kimberly Lynne

    Whatever you do, do it before you’re a 32 year old having an existential crisis. Seriously, I relate to this so much it hurts. I want out so bad I’d rip my own hair out to make it happen. I’m so damn sick of the, “we’ll think about it again after I finish school, or he finishes school, or after this or this or this or…..” I am scared every day that the leap of faith will never happen for me and then I feel so selfish for wanting it so bad that I don’t care what the other half of this marriage wants, you know? It’s nice to know that he doesn’t fully reject the idea of it, but it’s that damn leap. Do it before you end up like me- so many excuses and fears, it may actually never happen. PS- I always say, nothing’s ever permanent. You can always leap again if need be.

    • AmyMorby

      Gah you guys are so wise. Yes to the not caring what other half wants. I totally know that feeling. Of course you care about them but you want out so badly you’re ready to do rash things. I think it’s time I figured it out and just went for it.

    • pioneerpat1

      @kimberly_lynne:disqus – make it happen. I was 32 when I decided to make it happen. I had finished college, started what I am still doing, married and already had two kids. The short of it is that we got divorced and it was hard. I had to start over (I am not suggesting to do as I did) with just my job. I look back on what I have accomplished over the last 12 and 1/2 years and where she is at and where I am at. I am so happy I made the choice I did. I think the kids are happy because as they are almost adults now, they have been afforded things and experiences in their lives with me that other wise would have happened.

      Be selfish. Always remember (and I read this in the newspaper today, seriously)- “You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.”

  • pioneerpat1

    I am old man and something I decided to do about five years old and that was to live my own life with my own rules.

    I got lucky many years ago (Before Clinton’s first term was up) and got into a profession and place of employment that I can tolerate. People think I am loser because I am not always trying to move up and become a supervisor or whatever. I am happy where I am at.

    To me, money and things are not that important as I get older. I like to have enough money to do the things that I want to do and pay the bills but I think by always chasing a better food dish we lose sight of things. I have told my two teen-agers that fact.

    Paying the house note is important, but if you need to make a huge change for yourself and your soul then do it.

    Again, this is coming from an elder.

    • AmyMorby

      I dig it and I’m feelin it. Exactly what I needed to hear!

  • http://www.thethingstheymade.com/ Melanie Yarbrough

    Dude, more or less you just described where I am right now (including sort of abandoning my blog lately!!). Though I love my city, I have this nagging feeling that I’m not yet doing what I’m supposed to be and that it’s going to take some heavy lifting and being uncomfortable to get there. And I just turned 27, so you’re ahead of me (although for the whole twenty seconds it took me to type the first part of this comment, I thought I was still 26…). So let’s make a pact to do it, even if it means being tired from a full time day job and then pursuing our other selves at night and on weekends until we can just take that leap. Do it. You won’t be alone.

    • AmyMorby

      Yes yes yestesyeayeusysujss so much yes. The pact is on. I like your style of accepting pursuing things at night!! I’m in it with you mama. Let’s do this.

      • http://www.thethingstheymade.com/ Melanie Yarbrough

        YES! I just got this in my email while taking a Skillshare class on how to use Illustrator and it pumped me up! Seriously. We got this. I expect regular check ins on how exhausted yet exhilarated you are.

  • http://zerofoxgiven.wordpress.com/ Kim

    C. Always choose C.

    Good grief have I gone through this before. A zillion, or so, times. I am still not confident, or brave enough to throw caution to the wind and do what I want to do in the immediate, but I have finally started to make strides. Because, dammit, life is too short. (This has struck home for me a few times since I read it a year(ish) ago: http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html Happiness, get to it!)

  • Shell (Kitty & Buck)

    I wish I had time to write a considered comment, but I’m procrastinating as it is. Just choose C. please?