a kinda lame things that must go Friday

Well hey there. I leave on a cruise tomorrow. But actually, I really leave tonight at midnight, which is technically tomorrow, but whatever. I'm going on a cruise. So if this blog is lame, then that's why--my mind is already in Jamaica.

1. John & Effing Kate

Hey, John & Kate. You're really interfering with my quality Entertainment Tonight viewing. Srsly. Get divorced already, steal all the money you can from each other, and move on so that I can get more trashy celebrity news that isn't mucked up by you. You're gross, you have lesbiano hair, and John, you have creepy eyes. Get off my tv.

And wtf America? why do we care? Because they have 8 babies? Maybe you should move to Utah where you can see nasty divorces with billions of children daily. Just move to Herriman.

2. Marathon Runners

Unless you're this guy, then stop running marathons. Wtf are you trying to prove? That you can run really far? Well pin a rose on your nose, DJ Tanner. I got news for you--putting your body through immense pain and sweating a lot isn't proving anything to anyone. In fact, I have less respect for marathon runners than I do for women who go through natural births. Again--not proving anything to anyone.

3. The Word "Utilize"

This word does NOT make you sound smarter. It's not, nor never was, a "better" word for "use." My technical writing professor will punch you right in the face for using this word. Don't do it. As a recovering English major, I strongly encourage you to seriously re-evaluate your use of this word. Your life may depend on it.

4. Local News

Unfortunately, the majority vote at the gym is to watch local news every morning. on every tv. in the entire gym. And the more I watch it, the more I can't believe that we consider this news.

you look like a cocker spaniel...

you're wearing a bumpit. I know it...

and you are a biznatch. go brush your hair and quit acting like you care about the war in Afghanistan.

5. Swine Flu

Every news story. Every five seconds. Let's just all get it and get over it. Or just get the stupid vaccine. I hear about the swine flu ALMOST as much as I hear about John and Kate. Go, America!

And this week's WIN! is brought to you by Amy and Mitchell Morby, who got hitched a year ago on Saturday and made this world a better place one angry blog at a time.

See you in two weeks, suckas! Enjoy the traffic, swine flu, and local news while we're gone.