I never speak up in meetings if I don’t have to.
I preface every sentence with “I’m not sure, but…”
I end every sentence with “…I don’t know.”
I don’t feel deserving of anything.
I feel like I’m always in the way.
Like I’m bothering anyone I come in contact with.
I look at my feet when I walk to work because I’m scared to look forward.
I don’t think anyone wants to hang out with me, so I never ask.
I’m scared to leave my house 98% of the time.
I get scared to order at new coffee shops because all I want is an Americano but sometimes that’s too hard to say because I’m so scared I’ll screw it up and the barista will hate me.
I’m scared that everyone will hate me.
I don’t like when people hate me.
I self-sabotage every time because I don’t think I can do it.
I always think I can’t do it.
I will always take emails and text over phone and in-person interactions.
I have no confidence. Zero. None. Nonexistent. It’s troublesome. I do not like it.
But I’m working on it.
It’s hard to put yourself out there when you know you aren’t ready for criticism. Or feedback. Or anything really. When you don’t have confidence, you feel like you’ll shatter at the first sign of disapproval. The first cruel word or cold glance will crush you.
And no matter how many episodes of RuPauls’ Drag Race you watch or how many of his podcasts you consume, you still can’t make “water off a duck’s back” work for you. You try to live “if you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love someone else?” motto, but it’s not happening.
Confidence is elusive. Where do people get it? Where do women get the confidence necessary to speak their mind, pitch ideas, ask questions, and look up when they walk down the street? I need to know. Because I don’t know where that comes from.
I’m reading The Confidence Code for a work book club, and it’s got me thinking pretty heavily on the subject. Why’s it gotta be so elusive? Why’s it gotta be such a pain in the ass? Why can’t I just like myself, goddamnit? Why are we all so scared to say what’s up?
My bigger question is, what am I so afraid of?
I don’t know. But until I know and write a kickass post about it, here are two images that I’ve been ogling lately whenever I feel pissed at my incompetence and generally cowardly demeanor.
These two little morsels of Pinterest goodness represent something I’ve been mulling over for months. Why do I feel like I owe pretty to anyone? Because, after all, an enormous chunk of my eating disorder past comes from the need and desire to please people with my looks. BUT WHY??????? 10 years of therapy did not answer that question, and I’m still seeking the answer. And the competitive one–yes. I’ve been pondering girl shaming and the way we are so quick to criticize anything we immediately don’t like the second we see it. Why do we feel the innate need to compete? Can’t we all be confident and kind? Why do we have to fight so hard to make that a thing?
I’ve been asking you all a lot of questions lately, and I never provide answers. Sorry. I don’t have any answers. I think I’m feeling frustrated that I’m almost 28 and still can’t get my shit together. My brain still has the emotions of my 13-year-old self. I still think I’m fat, I still think I’m undesirable and unloveable. And I’m still so afraid of what everyone thinks. And to me, that seems whack. Bitches be triflin. The shade, the SHADE of it all.
Tell me–where does confidence come from and how can I get me some of that?