1. I will never be great at anything tiny. That is, crocheting, hand sewing, advanced lego builds, cross stitching, and/or anything having to do with things small enough to get caught in your fingernail.
2. I will never go to my high school reunion. No way, man. I will not Rory and Michelle that bitch. ALL THE ANXIETY.
3. I will never get Lasik. I like wearing glasses far too much. I’ve worn them since 2nd grade, which I think is total grounds for permanent bespectacledness.
4. I will never finish reading Anna Karenina. I’ve tried 4 solid times and failed miserably every time. Yes, I am a failure as an English major, and Professor Engler is devastated. Sorry, man. Can’t do it.
5. I will never like cucumbers. I used to eat those 24 hours a day (exaggeration) when I was sick back in the day, and to this day, they conjure bad vibes of starvation and deprivation. EAT FOOD, GUYS. IT’S SO GOOD FOR YOU.
6. Along those same lines, I will never ever ever ever stop telling women to love themselves. Self-love renegade up in here. Can’t stop won’t stop. Get on this self-love body acceptance train or get out, dudes.
7. I will never rest in my quest for the perfect eyebrows. The secret is I have a secret pinboard dedicated to bushy eyebrows and perfectly arched eyebrows. I’m obsessed. Also, I compliment people on their eyebrows all the time, and it’s always awkward. Except for the gelato maker at my old grocery store in Utah. He was FIERCE, and I made sure he knew it. He did. But still. Best brows of all time.
8. I will never stop sweating. I swear to God. I’m cursed to an endless existence of above-normal body temperature. Or something. It’s October 22, and STILL too hot for me in Seattle. 63 degrees isn’t cutting it. Give me 35 degrees or give me death.
9. I will never get enough RuPaul’s Drag Race. Every season is too short, and every season is too far apart. Ru, can we bump up that production schedule plz? kthx.
10. I will never stop loving cereal. Apple Jacks, Vanilla Chex, Frosted Cheerios, Life. You can’t stop me. Neither can high fructose corn syrup, large doses of sugar, and health food propaganda. Cereal whore ’til I die.
Now here are the rest of the Victoria shenanigans. That boat taxi is and will always be the cutest boat on this planet. No contest. Game over. Deal with it.
Things you’ll never do? Let’s hear it.