Right when I thought I was all settled in Seattle, I wasn’t.
Life can be a real kick in the ass sometimes.
I spent the weekend in Boise visiting my brother, sister-in-law, their sweet baby Madeline, and the greatest English mastiff of all time–Nana. We were celebrating Madeline’s 3rd birthday, and it was maybe the best weekend I’ve had in years. I think the word “special” is overused, but goddamnit, this weekend was SPECIAL. I watched more than a foot of snow fall Friday, and we had dance parties to Devotchka and Devendra Banhart in the living room while Nana chased us around and the snow fell outside for 12 hours straight. We made sugar cookies (I decorated them as cheshire cats per the mad hatter tea party theme) and ate all of my favorite childhood meals. My mom was there, my sister and her little baby were there, and it was all very old-timey family goodness.
It was SO MUCH NEEDED.
But now I’m all sorts of thrown off again. Missing them so badly. I’d forgotten how good it feels to have your mom make you a cheese sandwich. Or to have your brother pick you up from the airport and say, “I’m so glad you’re here.” Or to just eat cereal with my niece at 11pm. These things are really important. And I didn’t even realize it until I didn’t have it.
This has been a shitty Monday. I’ve cried twice about it all, and I’ll probably cry about it one more time. Moving is hard, and I knew it would be, but I don’t think I realized just HOW hard it would be. I’m perpetually taking 1 step forward and 5 steps back. I discover a new cafe and order with confidence and think I’m great–everything’s coming up Milhouse!–and then I FaceTime with my friends and everything is so lonely again. And my sister has a baby, and I’m not there. He’ll be 3 months old before I get to meet him. That’s 3 months of missed opportunity to snuggle him and tell him he’s awesome. I can’t stand it. How do people do this?
I don’t know that it’s even worth it. Sure, Seattle is great, and I love everything about it, but will it always feel so lonely? And will it always be this hard to leave my family? Will this happen every single time I take off from the Boise or Salt Lake City airport? It hurts too much, and I hate it. I’m not a fan. I miss everyone and everything. And no matter what anyone says, it’s NOT just “a plane ride away.” That shit’s expensive, and I can’t afford to just book a flight on a whim. It doesn’t work like that. You’ll always miss out, and you’ll always be home alone while they’re all getting together for one reason or another.
Sometimes I wish we hadn’t moved. Even though it’s great, I don’t know if this is worth it. I miss my old condo and my best friends and my nieces and nephews. I miss my old walk to work and the way it felt to know where I was going, no matter what street I took. I miss knowing how good every restaurant is and what ones to avoid. I miss pool days and Sunday dinners at my mom’s house and anything and everything I used to love.
If you are near your family, go see them and hug them and make dinner together. Olr whatever or whomever you call home–just be there and mean it and don’t forget it. Because nothing else matters. It’s all just bullshit.
Now I’m going to go listen to “How it Ends” on repeat and throw a pity party so I can hopefully get over all of this. I know it’s a phase, so I’ll just have to keep on keepin’ on. Thanks for listening. Thanks for being cool. Thanks for reading.